Emmett's List of Annoyance
by Still-Obsessed
Summary: with commentry from Emmett himself! Read and review, please!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: Don't worry, I am working on 'Jazz and Em…' this is just a side project. I got this idea yesterday and I had to write it. Please got to my profile I have a poll there!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Emmett and Twilight. Most ideas for the list are mine. A few are 's.**

Dear partners in crime,

As you all know, I am a fantastically annoying person and am very proud of this fact, thank you very much. I have decided to compile a list of ways to irritate siblings, teachers, parents, total strangers, etc. (NOTE FROM EM: All ways have been clinically tested and are proven to work!)

1. Stand behind someone and whisper 'poke, poke, poke, poke' without poking them. Smile innocently when they ask what the hell is the matter with you.

2. Refuse to shake anyone's hand, for fear of catching cooties. (Works especially well if you are well over 30 years of age)

3. When on a date, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take only one tiny bite. (Alas, as a vampire, I do not have this advantage)

4. When in class and are asked to answer a question, say that your invisible friend Bob wishes to answer, too. Encourage Bob to speak up. (That embarrassed Rosalie so much… she took certain privileges away from me. Such as the PlayStation joystick)

5. Find random dogs around Forks and shave their long shaggy hair. Speak to the dogs and insist that they look better. (*no comment… too busy laughing at the way Jake looks like*)

6. Replace all of your brothers' CD collection with Barney songs. Force him to sing along. (Edward singing 'I Love You; You Love Me' off-key… classic!)

7. Buy a lamp and keep rubbing it, insisting that a genie will emerge suddenly from it. On a test day or even better, finals, calmly proclaim that you did not study at all and that the genie will help you make it through. Spend the rest of the two hours rubbing the lamp as hard as you can. Throw the lamp at the teacher when he tells you that time is up. (Did that during a Physics final. Ah, the memories!)

8. Buy a snake. Place it one of your siblings' pants. Wait for the fun to begin. (Jasper didn't think it was funny… neither did Rosalie, Alice, Edward and Carlisle)

9. Locate some cockroaches. Draw numbers down their backs and race them down the hall at school. Ask students to place bets. Use force if necessary. (With me, force is never necessary!)

10. Grab hold of your least favorite teacher and raise a shampoo threateningly. Say menacingly, "You are gonna get a shower now, Snape!" (Hysterical results. I would recommend everyone to do this)

Sincerely, fellow minions,

Emmett Cullen


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Because someone asked me, and because I am such a pushover, here is Emmett's second list of annoyances. I mean, as you know he IS the master of that art.**

**Disclaimer: … Ok, seriously?**

Dear delinquent-in-training,

As I am sure many of you have followed my previous lesson, here is my next list of annoying things you can do. As usual, results are guaranteed by me as I have tried them on almost every family member (and classmates) I could find.

1. Buy a plant. Place it on your desk at school. If anyone asks about that plant, give them a mysterious look and say, "Do you really want to know?". If they say yes, pummel them. When they ask why you did this, tell them the plant told you to. Give your plant a name and a personality (ex: "This is Robbie. She is very funny but is always late."). After a few weeks don't bring the plant to school anymore, only bring the pot. Refuse to ever discuss the plant again. (I got thrown into a mental institute for that. Luckily, Carlisle came and snuck me out)

2. Declare an 'I LOVE NICK JONAS' Day to be held at the Principal's house (make sure that no one knows that this is the Principal's house). Watch as the hordes of fangirls (and a few boys) start arriving and bombarding the Principal's house. (Oh, my God. That was the frickin' funniest thing I had ever seen: Principal Greene emerging in his boxers to tell everyone to get off his property. Luckily, I had a camera with me. ULTIMATE BLACKMAIL!)

3. Buy a soccer ball. Draw a face on it and talk to it constantly. One day, pretend to have had a fight with it and punch holes into it with a scissors. Regret killing your friend and hold a funeral for him. Make sure all family members are present. (Carlisle didn't appreciate this. I called him from the hospital yelling, "SOMEONE DIED!" Poor Carlisle can be so gullible. Didn't he know that it was _me_ calling?)

4. At Christmas time, declare to your family that you were a Christmas tree in your past life. Cry and scream bloody murder when your dad or whoever pushes the Xmas tree in. Claim to be remembering a time when you were forced into people's houses, wearing all that tinsel and those little ball/orb things. (Alice beat me up for that. Apparently, while I was screaming and pretending to wail and running away from that tree, I broke the heel of one of her shoes. My advice would be: Make sure there are no shoes lying around when you run. And also, make sure you don't have a sister like Alice.)

5. Commute with other people using only your eyebrows and nose movements. For example, sniffing and then arching one eyebrow can mean, "How are you?". Be creative. (Jasper smacked me on the head when I annoyed him too much. Which then lead to a full-blown NFL-like fight. Still, it was fun while it lasted. Especially seeing all the teachers' confused expressions when they asked me a question in class… Mrs. Cole: "Emmett Cullen, dear. Have you gone deaf?" Me: *nod pitifully*.)

6. Arrive at home around three in the morning, with shredded jeans and a ripped up shirt. Run upstairs and dive under the bed. Claim that the Mesopotamian and Byzantine soldiers you have been studying about got really pissed off at you and have decided to haunt you. (If you don't know about Mesopotamia and the Byzantine empires, shame on you!)

7. Hum the Monk theme song, "It's a Jungle Out There" whenever someone asks you why you are hiding under your bed with pillows surrounding every inch of your body. When asked to elaborate on this comment, attempt to bite them. Fight off the police officers when they come to take you away, saying that you will rise to power again someday. Say that the 'voices' told you so. (Oh man, in one month, two break-outs from a mental asylum. That rocked! But I got grounded. I was not allowed to play with my Wii for a week. That part really sucked.)

8. If sharing a room with a sibling or a roommate or whoever, mark a day in the calendar with a red marker. Write: "Zombie-Time" on the calendar and constantly stare at your roommate/sibling with a menacing look saying, "Soon… so very, very soon." (Rosalie kicked me out of our room! Even though I told her that I was kidding, she said I was too childish!)

9. Paint all the shoes in the family purple with blue polka dots. Watch happily as Carlisle goes to work in those shoes. And then sob as Alice beats my head in with one of her ruined shoes. (Again, remember that Alice does not like people messing with her shoes. OW! *gets hit on the head with a socket wrench*)

10. Tell your least favorite teacher that you have come to give him/her a present for being such a great teacher this year. Buy her perfume, "Eau de Skunk". (I'm sure if you look hard enough on the Internet, you'll find it. And the look of the teacher's face would be totally worth it! Except when Esme got called down so that she and Principal Green could talk about my 'behavior'. Psht! Like _I_ could ever misbehave! Yeah, OK, it's a miracle I haven't been kicked out of school. Luckily I had that incriminating video of Principal Green. Oooh, I _love_ being so annoying!)

Thank you, and I hope you enjoy your time in detention!

Yours, forever (literally!),

Emmett Cullen

**Please do not do any of the following without parental supervision. And if you get hurt, don't sue me ;]**

**Thanks to ****.com**** who gave me a few of the ideas for this FF!**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Before anyone goes hatin' on me for not updating in—what, two months now?—might I say that I was very busy with school. Now, that school is over and I am officially not a ninth grader anymore, I can spend more time on more leisure activities. Namely, continuing on previously abandoned fanfics. LOL, maybe I am just flattering myself in thinking that anyone cares if I continue this list or not, but here goes!**

**Disclaimer: … I don't own either Harry Potter or Twilight… or Burger King**

Partners in evil-doing!

I am pleased to see you again! After I have successfully seen that many of you have been studiously following my list of things to do to get grounded/arrested/probably very dead, I have decided that the few fortunate people left will have the pleasure of reading the rest of my mail-order letter (see the end of the page for details on how to subscribe.)

To annoy other drivers on the road, you must do the following. When someone is nice enough to let you pass in front of them, show them who gracious you are by letting the whole world pass in front of _you_, including tractor trailers, U-Haul, construction trucks, etc. (Man, I do that ALL the time! I think every single person in Forks has learned never to be on the road at the same time that I am)

2. When in the mall, go to the nearest fountain, fish coins out of it, and use them to ride on those awesome mechanical horses! (Esme didn't even let me go a whole round on that horse! She yanked me off it and told me to put those coins back where I got 'em)

3. When in a very crowded place (ex: concert, mall, fair, etc.) suddenly stop moving and yell out, "Everyone stop! I lost my contact lenses!" Make sure that everyone participates with you in the search for the completely nonexistent contact lens. (Those poor people sat looking with me for 45 minutes until I finally told them, "Guess what? It's been stuck on my hair the whole time!"… I almost feel bad for them. _Almost_)

4. Start a 'wave' during an assembly at school. Make cheering voices every time someone participates. Make sure to say to the speaker at the assembly at the end, "You know, man? You should've joined in!" See how many shades of red that person goes. Hell, you might suddenly discover a color you never knew existed! (You can also start waves in weddings… while the bride and groom are speaking about their love for one another… Say that you are just so excited for them!)

5. Wear a bathrobe (painted black) with a pointy hat (also black) and have a twig with you in a pocket. Go around and point at perfectly normal things and say, "Look at these things Muggles dream up!" and "Fascinating! How come Hogwarts doesn't have that?" (A cop out from Harry Potter! If you don't know HP then you won't get this… probably)

6. When in a class that usually runs late (Gawd, that's annoying!), stand up every five minutes updating the teacher on how many minutes are left for class. For example: Get a sheet of paper and write, "Miss _______. 35 minutes left! Anything left to say?" See how long it takes him/her to completely explode at you. (What can I say? DETENTION!)

7. While swimming in an ocean/pool, grab a flutter board with you and pretend that you can't swim, only moving your legs to make some awesome waves (especially with my vampire strength. Those water jets were HUGE). Hit people with your flutter board. When they give you dirty looks, pretend to look sorry and innocent and say, "But I never learned how to swim! I'm not special like all you people are!" End the dramatics by shouting about how you are sick of the world and want to die. Let go of the flutter board. See how many people rush over to grab you. If no one does ( those #$#$%$%$!!) then you can always stay underwater (if you are able to, of course!) and randomly grab people's legs. Oh, and also, for more fun, inform young children of the Loch Ness Monster. Tell them that he lives in ALL water-filled places (ex: bathtubs) and that he loves to eat little kiddies' ears.

8. When boarding a train/subway to go somewhere, there are always many ways to annoy them. For example, you can start a game of Twister. Or play Tag. Force people to play with you and try to uproot chairs so that you can spread out the Twister mat and so you can have more places to run. (Alice played with me Twister… *shakes head* Man, that girl is SHORT! *gets whacked on the head by Alice* Sorry! But seriously she played one turn and then had to stop because I said green and she was on red and then… Well, you can imagine.)

9. Go to school wearing a Burger King crown/hat. Tell people to bow to you for you are the long-lost king of Forks. Pummel people who make fun of you.

With hatred and lying and theft for all, I leave you,

Emmett Cullen, King of Forks

P.S. I know that this is only 9 things to annoy people, but this list is very long. I got bored and my ideas did not get very funny in the end. So, there are only nine ways to annoy people. Next time, hopefully, there will be ten/eleven to make up for this :)

P.S.S. How to subscribe to Emmett's Monthly Letter. You click on the little button at the end that says 'review' and you write if you enjoyed this edition or not. And then you click 'Story Alert'. KK? ;)


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